Derived from an insightful Native American Indian saying, the advice that “before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes,” although very wise and contemplative, fails to address the issue that judging a man at all may not be such a healthy practice. Interestingly, it also provokes thoughts about the extent to which anyone can walk in another’s shoes.
Judgement is one of our innate human mechanisms, which is at the core of navigating our behaviour for survival. It is a natural way to make decisions and a necessary practice directing our choices. We base our judgements primarily on what we have experienced before and while this seems like a logical and sensible process, in reality we are making those judgements as a reflection of who we are rather than the person we are judging; we are implying certain conclusions about ourselves. This is especially true when we judge those we know very little about.
First impressions are indeed powerful, but we must accept that those impressions are formed using two facets; of which our own is primarily the stronger contributor to the situation. We are no doubt unaware of the circumstances and experiences the other person is carrying with them on the day of our first interaction. It is also our own initial behaviours that can heavily influence the reaction of others and often our judgements go a long way in causing reactionary behaviour to fulfil our prophecy. For example, if we believe another to be cold and unfriendly, we offer them no warmth or cordiality and so in return the person is icy and aloof; continuing unproductive relations. Quite presumptuous of us to form a rigid opinion on such a tiny foundation wouldn’t you say?
Irrespective of the longevity of the contact or relationship between two people, before forming any sort of conclusion about their character, behaviour or personality, questions should be asked about how well you really know someone. Do you know what contributed to make them the person they are today? If you can understand what they go through day after day, if you can relate to them and what it must feel like to be in their position, then you may be qualified to form an opinion about them. Of course, unless you have lived their life, you will never be in a position to judge or criticise.
Instead it would serve better to exercise empathy. The ability to empathise with others is relative to a person’s capacity to identify, feel, and understand their own feelings. This forms the bases of developing the capability to then project that understanding, identification and feeling into another person’s perspective; to view life from their situation and to feel what it feels like to be that person. By understanding the reasons behind your counterpart’s behaviour, you are opening up the possibility of experiencing the way life feels for them. Unfortunately, feelings do not always follow understanding and so the true essence of empathy is not realised.
When we hear, see or experience other people’s lives our mind reacts with an effort to put ourselves in their shoes and consider how we would deal with it. Can we actually do so from their true perspective? We would hear, see, and experience things differently because our own history of life and personal make up affects the outcome. Perhaps the uniqueness of our own life stories may make it impossible to ever truly walk in their shoes.
The best we can hope for is to relate to someone. The ability to comprehend another person’s actions and emotions, to identify thoughts and emotional states, to understand a person’s reaction and have awareness of another’s problems without experiencing them is a no easy feat. Some may be more inclined to doing so but I suppose it may be a better not to attempt to walk a mile in the shoes of the next person, but walk beside them and try to gain an understanding, a similar perspective and refrain from forming harsh, unnecessary judgements that are unfair and relationally counterproductive. Harsh judgements which are often a reflection of what we fail to recognise in ourselves or part of an effort to give our own behaviours more credit.
Start recognising the magnitude of another person’s story, their history and their influences; then try to understand rather than judge. You have your own issues to correct, so if you feel the need to judge, you know a good place to start – the only place you have all the information to reach a true verdict.
