It’s
frightening the number of woman around the world suffering at the hands of an abusive partner. It’s frightening the number of woman around the world who feel they have no choice but to stay in an abusive relationship. Most frightening of all are the number of children who witness the abuse and how badly it affects their lives.
Most women do not choose their partners knowing the cycle they are about to fall into. It rarely begins that way and young girls need to be aware of the dangers and the signs that may present themselves along the way of a partner ensnaring them into a false sense of security before creating an environment where the girl/woman is so vulnerable it is difficult to free herself from the situation.
Women of all ages find themselves living with the terror of domestic violence. There are so many different circumstances and reasons why they end up in the position, but one scenario that has played itself out hundreds of times, and may be avoided if young girls recognise the signs early enough to stop a situation escalating, follows these stages:
A very young girl meets an older man who impresses her with maturity, money and lifestyle and makes her feel important by lavishing her with gifts and attention. She feels like the centre of his world and he works hard to make her feel special. She quickly falls head over heels for the man. This stage is a grooming or ensnaring stage.
He begins to create a dependency and becomes possessive. The girl now spends more time with him and less with her friends and family. His jealousy is interpreted as a sign of love and she feels flattered by the intensity of his emotions and protected by his concerns; despite the tinges of fear. She cuts herself off from things outside of the relationship and becomes dependent upon him while he constantly demands she proves her love to him.
Here he takes control, control over: where she goes, who she sees, what even what she wears. Now the violence begins. She is in a constant state of fear because she has no idea whether she will be beaten or what for; the violence is inconsistent. In the early stages this is often followed by deep regret and remorse from the abuser, coupled with accusations of her being to blame because he is unable to regulate his emotions due to the magnitude of his feelings for her.
Soft drugs and alcohol may be encouraged to undermine her resistance and become another form of control. Substance abuse by the perpetrator is very likely to increase the abuse. The girl makes excuses for his behaviour and indeed blames herself. She is too embarrassed to confide in the friends she has all but abandoned and keeps believing things will change and he will go back to being the type of person he was before.
Finally the man has isolated her, humiliated her, damaged her self-esteem and he now has total dominance over her. The danger of serious harm and even death is a reality that hangs over her head on a daily basis.
When this happens to young girls during early adolescence if she is fortunate enough to escape the relationship it can still cause serious difficulties in any ensuing relationships she has and make caring loving relationships difficult for her to sustain. It can lead to the girl seeking out one abusive relationship after another and make healthy relationships impossible to contemplate.
The culture and economic circumstance here in Guyana make it difficult for women in this situation to get out due to the limited resources and support networks available to them. The patriarchal dominance in the home can undermine the legitimacy of the women’s suffering and lack of opportunities for women to be financially viable traps them in these situations.
There is help and support out there. Other women have worked hard to offer a hand to help as many women as they can escape these conditions and have supported women through some horrendous experiences, onto leading fulfilled lives. Leaving an abusive relationship is a hard decision to make and an extremely frightening move to instigate and carry out, but be empowered by the thousands of women who have found the strength to stand up and take back control of their lives. The thousands that have struggled, but are now free to live their lives the way they want to.
If you are affected by any of the details of this article and need help and advice contact:
HELP AND SHELTER 24 HOUR HELP LINE on 227 3454/225 4731
Or visit the CRISIS CENTER to get FREE ADVICE from experienced and dedicated Domestic Violence Counsellors: Help & Shelter, Homestretch Avenue, D’Urban Backlands, Georgetown, Guyana.
