“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” – Thomas Jefferson
I’ve noticed that there are some people who seem to think that the only way to be honest to someone is to be brutal about it. And that’s quite confusing for me. But I’ve realised that those people just use ‘brutal honesty’ as an excuse to say something mean and take someone down a few pegs.
And those people seem to really pride themselves on their brutal honesty. They think it’s a virtue! They’re like, “Oh that’s who I am, I tell it straight. I’m brutally honest. If people don’t like it then that’s their problem.” But there’s a difference between speaking honestly to someone and being a jerk about it…
There’s nothing dishonest about delivering a truth in a kind manner, taking the person’s feelings into consideration. Even when you’re being firm – you should respect the person you’re being honest to. I’ve written before of the philosopher Immanuel Kant’s exhortation that we must not treat people as means but rather as ends. Each person is an autonomous being… not there for you to spew your frustrations or insecurities on.
That old nursery rhyme “Sticks and stones will break my bones; but words will never harm me” is waaaaay off base, in my opinion. Words are capable of quite a lot of damage; the most damaging damage since they can harm the psyche and corrode the soul. Why do we teach kids that rhyme? Especially at that age when they have no filter, kids can say some of the cruelest things to each other. So why’re we telling them it’s okay to say whatever they like to each other but just don’t have a go at each other with sticks?
People also quite like to begin their sentences with “No offence, but…” and then continue to utter some incredibly offensive language. Sure, ordinarily I would’ve gotten offended by that, but since you said that you didn’t mean to offend, I guess it’s a-okay!
I think there’s a difference between being blunt and being brutal that some people seem to miss. It’s the difference in treating the “other” as an object or a subject. You can be blunt or straightforward without it having that sort or sharp-edged meanness of being brutal. There is the quality of empathy that each one of us should cultivate: just put yourself in that person’s shoes and ask whether you would want to be spoken to like that. And if you do, then you are a certified masochist…and you need help!!
The truth can be a difficult thing to hear and even more difficult to accept, so why make it even harder for that person by being mean about it? Man is a social being – we have to live with each other. There’s no need to be like porcupines with their needles always raised when someone gets close.
