Why
do we expect what we expect to happen? We all learn to expect certain outcomes from certain situations based on previous experiences and either real or imagined outcomes. These learnt expectations could have come from what we ourselves have experienced, but can also be heavily based on what significant others have told, shown or insinuated to us. The information is then used to form predictions about what is going to happen if we do something and subsequently, we choose our actions based on that perceived knowledge.
This process of learning is the natural human way to learn and it has numerous benefits as it can guide us to make good and safe decisions in many circumstances and situations. The problem occurs when we make a very basic mistake; we confuse what we believe is likely to happen with believing something will definitely happen.
It is the subtle but vital difference between degrees of likelihood and certainty that can be the cause of potential problems because our response to unrealised expectations can affect us in various ways. We learn that because we have seen the same outcome over and over, it is very likely that if something is done again, the same outcome will result. When we stop and consider this, most of us can quite easily find instances where our expectations have not come to fruition, despite the certainty with which we have formed them.
Many times, this can be a learning experience and nothing more than a surprise. At others, expectations can have a more serious and detrimental effect on the psychological well-being of a person. In time, people may begin to believe they have a right to a certain outcome and when that does not happen, it can be difficult to cope with. A person can feel deep disappointment, shock and confusion when what they believed about reality is challenged. Failure can become magnified and instead of seeing it as an isolated failure, the person can begin to feel their life is a failure.
There are generally three ways that people deal with failed expectations;healthily by re-evaluating the situation and accepting that expectations need to be adjusted, unhealthily by blaming others and taking the attitude that life is so unfair and wonder “why me?”, or more detrimentally, by internally focusing the blame and exaggeratingthe failure leading to thoughts that future success is unattainable.
If you are the type of person who finds the first response difficult to adopt, then it may help to focus on getting specific and identifying what EXACTLY failed and why it is so upsetting. Often, it can be because of heavy expectations early on in life and so it is important to look at your core beliefs and where they come from before analysing whether they need to be readjusted. Much of the pressure we place on ourselves can be due to what we tell ourselves we should be doing, achieving, striving for, but these “shoulds” are often not really part of who we are or want to be and rather others’ views and beliefs that we have adopted over the years.
Sometimes we follow paths that have been imposed on us, either directly, or because of conditioning. We can choose to design our own path whenever we recognise which of our accepted beliefs are actually at odds with our true selves. That does not mean we should completely unpick our core values and principles, as many of them will be rooted in positive moral, ethical and cultural standards and will contribute greatly to who we are, but there will always be a time when a person will benefit from understanding what these things mean to them right now. A balance between what they have learnt and what parts fit with their feelings and views currently.
If we do not re-evaluate why we have the expectations we have, we are more than likely going to find ourselves unable to meet up to them. When we can establish a set of expectations based on our own real beliefs and values and can be prepared for a variation of outcomes, we are more than likely going to find a comfortable place with which we can live and function, learn and reflect, adapt and accept that life can be full of surprises and we are not necessarily always entitled to a specific outcome. Think about your expectations, why you have them and if they feel right for you.
