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actually is okay to be angry. If things are unfair, if we are treated badly, if we see others treated badly, anger is a natural emotion that we all feel and it is often necessary to incite us to action. If we witness injustice or we are hurt, either physically or emotionally, anger is the human response. The problem with anger is how we manage and express it.
Anger has fuelled change over the years; it has been the catalyst for revolution, the power behind human rights changes and the force that fought the battles of inequality. Those who took their anger and channelled it productively saw some positive outcomes. However, if anger is having a negative impact on your life and those around you, it is destructive anger and it is time to look at how you are managing it.
Increasingly, anger is the root of unhappiness because it is not being accepted, understood and controlled. We use it to override painful feelings and can emit unacceptable behaviours, then use it as an excuse for failure to take responsibility and as a defence for culpability. It can be used in an attempt to take control of a situation we may not have any power over. This does not provide us with a solution to a problem; in fact, it only serves to add to the problem becoming a social or health issue.
Your anger can be like a firework with your triggers lighting the match, the anger building like the fuse burning and finally the explosion happens.
If you change the way you think about something, you can change the way you feel about it and so in turn change the way you react to it. There are almost always other emotions that come before the anger and it is usually a perception about what has transpired, often a misinterpreted one; one that can be side stepped by a new interpretation to lead to an outcome you can control.
Recognising what can be changed by understanding causes and triggers and avoiding them when possible can reduce the instances of becoming angry. Moderating the intensity of emotional reaction to anger and using self talk or reframing perspectives to lessen over-reacting to situations also helps anger management.
Anger has physical symptoms alongside the emotional rollercoaster it may set in motion. Reducing or controlling physical reactions to situations that evoke anger by relaxation techniques can calm and slow the reactions down, averting focus from the cause of the response. Practising being calm by imagining places and situations where you feel most tranquil and using these images to slow down a fuse burning can eventually put out the flame.
Being able to express feelings; putting words to those feelings and understanding them, gives an alternative outlet for your emotions. It also allows us to be reflective and honest about the reasons behind the feelings and whether they are warranted. Often, it is our perceived view of an action that causes a negative response and it is not always an intended action with negative connotations.
You have a choice of three responses when you are angry or upset. You can be aggressive, passive or assertive. Being passive usually involves you being quiet and allowing the situation to ‘just be’ when you are angry. This may be advantageous for the person you are angry with, but it is not healthy if you leave the situation with your anger unresolved; you will carry that with you.
Acting aggressively, or unfavourably overpowering, can be just as unhealthy as it damages relationships. It is unfair, unproductive in most cases and can be a form of bullying.
The healthiest and usually most successful way to deal with anger is by being assertive. This is when you are clear about your feelings and express them in a way that respects the feelings of others. In this way, you are able to get across your point, achieve the outcome you desire and minimise upsetting others.
So don’t be afraid to get angry, that’s not what you need to control. Be sure you have justification to be angry and if you do, then channel it into a positive, fair outcome. Accept that no matter how badly you are being treated or how unfair a situation is, your response can make it better or worse for both you and the people around you. If you display uncontrollable anger, it will continue to damage relationships, isolate you, affect your social standing, harm your physical and mental health, and hamper any hopes of us becoming a better society with stronger relationships and productivity.
