Dealing
with the loss of a loved one is unfortunately something that many of us inevitably will experience. The support networks that rally shortly after the loss can be a life-line but that support can only do so much for so long.
When the door closes after the last funeral guest has left no matter how you have been coping thus far, there can be an overwhelming sense of finality and as support diminishes, coping with loss can seem insurmountable.
Up until that point, there has most likely been a focus on the preparations for the funeral; one of the key functions of this age old tradition. In fact, when we look at the purpose behind this ritual it is clear to see just how much of a useful grieving process a funeral is. During the first moments of learning of the death of a loved one the shock and numbness that may be experienced can leave a person in a daze and only the necessity of making arrangements can bring their focus back.
Having the opportunity to express the love and respect felt for the lost person in the form of a service and a final farewell serves to bring the reality of the loss home; the first step of the grieving process. The dignified and respectful care that can be shown is a last tribute that can be offered to demonstrate the depth of feeling we have allows an expression of love.
Of equal importance is the transition of taking grief from the inside and expressing it on the outside through mourning and the sharing of grief amongst family and friends. Often seeing the love, affection and sentiment that others feel can provide a great support network and a sense of togetherness, pride and kindred spirit.
However, the support network that has been in place up to this point can diminish rapidly as people return to their lives and it can be a lonely and difficult time for those closest to the person who has passed. Now the real grieving process may kick in.
It is generally recognised that despite each individual’s grief taking its own pattern, there are stages that most people go through. These are firstly accepting the reality of the loss, secondly experiencing the pain of grief before adjusting to life without the person who has passed away and finally putting less emotional energy into grieving and moving on by choosing to focus energy into something new.
These stages can over lap and become jumbled as grievers try to find their way through and the duration of moving through the stages differs from person to person. During which time feelings of overwhelming sadness, crying, tiredness and exhaustion, along with anger and guilt can consume.
The thing to remember if you are grieving is that the feelings you are experiencing are normal. Each of us copes in our own way and good days and bad days can be mixed up. A very fitting description is that one day you may feel you are standing in the sea with the water up to your shins and you feel able to cope and then suddenly a huge wave comes along and knocks you off your feet. The wave’s analogy is extremely apt as the feelings can often feel as though they come in waves.
Acceptance can be a very difficult stage as it means having to begin a very painful process. However the sooner we are able to accept, the sooner we can begin the necessary journey. Moving on can feel like a betrayal, but consider that the lost person would more than likely want the best for you and want to see you enjoying life again. Feeling angry is a natural reaction, whether its anger that the loved one has been taken or anger at ourselves if we are left feeling guilty for all the things we which we had said, done or shown that we will never be able to do now.
The finality of death is difficult to come to terms with but its inevitability means it is a part of life for all of us. Most of us have been through the grieving process and no matter how well we cope or how long it has been, the pain never quite dissipates. What we cannot change we have to learn to accept no matter how hard. Allow the process to unfold. Do not try to rush it but equally try not to dwell in it. It is a natural process, a necessary process; experience it with the memory of your loved one burning bright.
