Understanding grief: Coping with loss and supporting others

By Dr Tariq Jagnarine

Fam Med, Endocrinology

Grief is one of life’s most difficult experiences. It can follow the death of someone we love or any major loss that changes the life we once knew.
The <<<MV Barima>>> tragedy has brought grief painfully close to many Guyanese. Families are mourning parents, partners, children, siblings, and friends. Survivors are carrying difficult memories, while others feel deeply affected because they imagine their own families in the same situation.
Grief is personal. Some people cry openly, while others become quiet or numb. Some seek comfort in prayer; others question their faith. There is no single correct way to grieve.
What grief may feel like
Grief affects more than our emotions. It can also affect our thoughts and bodies.
Common experiences include:
• Shock or disbelief
• Deep sadness and longing
• Anger or irritability
• Guilt or regret
• Fear and anxiety
• Poor sleep or nightmares
• Loss of appetite
• Exhaustion
• Difficulty concentrating
• Withdrawal from others
A person may feel calm one moment and overwhelmed the next. A photograph, song, smell or family event may suddenly bring the pain back. This does not mean that healing has failed. Grief often comes in waves.

The phases of grief
Grief does not follow a fixed order or timetable. A person may move between different phases or experience several at once.

1. Shock and numbness
Immediately after a sudden loss, everything may feel unreal. You may struggle to understand information, make decisions, eat or sleep.
During this time, focus on basic needs. Stay close to someone you trust. Drink water, eat small meals, and rest whenever possible. Allow others to help with arrangements and avoid making major decisions while you are overwhelmed.
Limiting graphic news reports, photographs and social-media content can also protect your emotional well-being.

2. Intense pain, anger and guilt
As the shock begins to fade, the reality of the loss may become more painful. You may ask, “Why did this happen?” or “Could I have done something differently?”
Survivors may feel guilty simply because they lived. Others may regret something they said or failed to say.
Allow yourself to cry and express what you are feeling. Speak with someone who can listen without judging you. Prayer, writing, gentle exercise or meaningful family traditions may also provide comfort.
Remember that regret is not always the same as responsibility. We often judge ourselves using information we did not have at the time.

3. Adjustment
Gradually, you may begin returning to work, school, church and family activities. You may experience longer periods without intense sadness.
This can sometimes create guilt. You may laugh and then feel that you should not be happy.
Experiencing happiness does not mean that you have forgotten your loved one. Continuing to live is not a betrayal. It is part of learning to carry the loss.
Return to normal activities gradually. Develop a simple routine, set small goals and accept help with new responsibilities.

4. Living with the memory
Healing does not mean forgetting. Over time, memories may bring comfort and gratitude as well as sadness.
You may honour your loved one by sharing stories, keeping photographs, observing important dates, continuing a family tradition or helping someone in their memory.
The relationship changes, but the love does not disappear.

Healthy ways to cope
While there is no quick cure for grief, several actions can make it more manageable:
• Take life one day at a time
• Speak with someone you trust
• Accept practical help
• Maintain a basic routine
• Eat, rest, and take prescribed medication
• Avoid excessive alcohol or drugs
• Spend time outdoors or take short walks
• Participate in meaningful cultural or religious practices
• Allow yourself to feel both sadness and moments of happiness
• Seek professional support when the burden becomes too heavy
Difficult feelings may return on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and family occasions. Plan for these days and decide whether you would prefer company, prayer, remembrance or quiet time.

Supporting someone who is grieving
You do not need perfect words. Your presence may be more valuable than advice.
You can say:
• “I am sorry.”
• “I am here with you.”
• “You do not have to talk, but I am ready to listen.”
• “What can I help you with today?”
Avoid telling someone to “be strong”, “move on,” or accept that “everything happens for a reason”. Do not compare their grief with your own or pressure them to discuss traumatic details.
Offer specific help such as preparing a meal, providing transportation, caring for children or collecting medication. Most importantly, continue checking on the person after the funeral, when others have returned to their normal lives.

Helping children grieve
Children may become clingy, angry, quiet or distracted. Some may experience nightmares or repeatedly ask when the person is returning.
Use simple and honest language. Explain that the person died and cannot return. Reassure children that the death was not their fault and that they will continue to be cared for.
Maintain familiar routines and allow children to play and laugh without guilt. Protect them from graphic images and adult conversations about traumatic details.

When additional help is needed
Professional support should be sought when grief becomes overwhelming or prevents someone from functioning.
Warning signs include:
• Persistent inability to eat or sleep
• Severe panic attacks or nightmares
• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
• Inability to care for oneself or one’s children
• Complete withdrawal from family and friends
• Feeling that life has no meaning
• Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Someone expressing suicidal thoughts should not be left alone. Urgent assistance should be obtained through the nearest emergency department or emergency service.
As a physician and father, stories of sudden loss are almost impossible to process. No sentence can replace a spouse, child, parent or sibling.
Sometimes healing begins with something simple: sitting beside someone, listening without judgment, helping with the next meal and returning after everyone else has gone home.
If you are grieving, do not measure your healing against anyone else’s timetable. Take each day as it comes. Accept help. Rest when needed. Speak when you are ready and cry when the tears come.
The pain may not disappear completely, but with time and support, it can become less overwhelming. The person you loved will always remain part of your story.
Our thoughts and prayers remain with everyone affected. Your loved ones will not be forgotten, and you should not have to carry this grief alone.